I have been back on track for the past week or so, minus the exercises due to my knee injury.  We are having our last weigh in this coming Saturday.  I will keep you up to date on how that goes.  I will also let you know were you can continue to follow my journey.  I have a lot further to go.  I can say that knowing that people are following this blog has been a great help to me.  All things are possible. xo

I know that I have been absent from my blog as of the last couple weeks.  I have to admit I have gone down a path that I don't want too.  I started binging again.  I am not proud of this fact as a matter of fact I am down right ashamed of myself.  I weighed in a couple weeks ago and found I had gained four pounds.  I just wanted to cry, to run away anything but deal with the fact that I am not doing as well as I had hoped.  I have a knee problem, from my new walking that I took on in the last couple months.  I went to the doctor yesterday and found I do not have a bone problem, but I have a tear of some sort.  I am off to see the specialist next week.  This however does not give me an excuse to binge.  I needed a good kick to the butt, and that is what I got in a few different ways this week.  First I received an unmarked letter in the mail with a clipping from dear Abbey about OA.  I have mentioned in the past Over eaters anonymous.  I am very familiar with this group since I have attended before.  It is very close to AA, but for people with eating disorders.  Since I am an emotional eater this does in fact see to be a good place for me to go.  Thank you to whoever sent that eye opener.  The next eye opener was that when I visited the doctor he talked to me about gastric bypass surgery.  Yes I have hear this many times over the years.  I have also heard some very bad things about it as well.  He told me rather bluntly that my life is now going to just decline.  I had explained to him my knee and back problems and these were the first words he came out with.  Did I want to cry right then and there?  You bet I did!  I am so angry with myself!  How did I get this far, why did I back slide?  The only answer that I have for this is that I am an addict when it comes to some types of foods.  Some people ask well how could you be addicted to food.  My response is it seems to fill some void I am lacking.  I am trying as we speak to work this out with a counselor.  I did not want to have to write about my short comings.  However I must keep trying no matter how many times I slip up.  With the grace of God all things are possible.  I don't want to die an early death!  I don't want for my health to decline any further.  Sometimes I feel so strong and others so week.  If you are reading this, please say a prayer for me.  To my dear friends out there who have supported me this far thank you.  For the naysayers I say I am only human and yes I have fallen, but I can hope this will make me stronger every time I pick myself back up again.  All things are possible! xo

Okay I know that I have not checked in for a little while!  Guilty as charged.  That is because I have been at a complete standstill.  For whatever reason I have hit a stumbling block.  I am happy though with myself, for not giving up and giving in.  I have maintained the healthy eating and exercise.  Almost five months and 35 pounds.  I am headed in the right direction.  I am proud to report that yesterday I went to Mansfield prison for a tour.  I was able to walk for two hours including lot's of stairs.  Five months ago there would have been no way, I could have done that.  Yes today my back and knee were in some pain, but I am so happy that I can move about much better than before.  Also on a funny side note.  My pants are getting loose and my dog jumped on me today and pulled them down.  Luckily for me no one was around.  I also am so thankful to all of you out there reading my blog and giving me helpful advice along the way.  I have a weigh in coming up on Saturday and I don't know if I will show any loss for the month, but I'm just going keep going!  This contest is going until August.  That doesn't mean that I am stopping in August.  I hope they will let me keep my blog so I can continue to keep you posted on the ups and downs of my new life journey.  All things are possible. xo

This past week has had it's ups and downs like most weeks.  I weighed in last Saturday for a total weigh loss so far of 34 pounds.  So I am now averaging about a pound and half per week.  I feel like I would like to step it up a bit.  I just have to stay the course.  I have always been the type of person to root for the underdog.  There were some things that I found to be disturbing over the last few weeks with underdogs in particular especially plus size ones.  A Facebook post really made me see red.  The post read something like this "I was standing behind a obese woman in Wallmart with her daughter.  She was checking out with things such as cookies, ice cream, whole milk, and soda.  I felt like I should look up a cardiologist on my cell phone and give her the number."  On so many levels this is so ignorant.  I understand very well that we have a weight problem today in the U.S.  However do I post such things on Facebook such as I was standing behind a person buying beer should I look up a liver specialist, or I was standing behind someone that was buying cigarettes, should I look up a lung specialist, If you are buying cold medication should I call a drug rehab specialist?  What if you are thin and you are buying junk food it doesn't count?  You get the general idea!  This is the main reason I as a obese person do not like to eat in front of other people and take my eating underground, because there is always someone there looking and judging.  How do we know this woman wasn't throwing a party, or buying for someone else?  Or for that matter that she just lost a 100 pounds and was dropping off the groceries to a friend.  We don't know.  This person that wrote this is thin and a health nut.  That is great!  However watch what you say to others.  Be kind you never know when someone is having a bad day.  I would never think to judge someone on what they are purchasing.  If in fact he had been standing behind me and did give me the number to a cardiologist I most likely would have left the store in tears leaving my groceries behind.  I have read that the U.S. is thinking about charging a extra tax on high in fat foods and foods that are bad for you.  If you really want it, you will pay it!  Also Airlines are now charging for two seats for obese passengers.  Okay so what exactly is the weight or size that you have to be to not be charged two seats?  Yes I go over my chair space, but I always sit next to a friend or relative that is understanding with me and doesn't mind.  Don't worry I won't be over flowing into your seat.  I have seen that look many times in my travels of "Oh please don't let the fat lady sit next to me".  Another post that I saw was about sweaty boob money.  I first looked at this post and was like huh?  Well as I read further it was about ladies of a certain size that store things in there bra.  So the money they put there gets sweaty and the girl posting this doesn't want the sweaty money.  Okay so don't worry ladies I will not be giving you sweaty boob money anytime soon.  I do admit though I do sore things there if I have no pockets.  Two post that really got me fired up over the last two weeks because of there insensitivity to others.  I can only imagine what these post are teaching our children.  We are trying to stop bullying in school, maybe some of the parents need to take a look at there own words and actions.  I will be very honest with you that after reading these two posts I really wanted to go binge because I was very angry.  I am happy to say that I did not do so.  No matter who or what your faults are remember no one is faultless.  Just because it's easier to see my faults than yours doesn't mean anything.  All things are possible. xo

I know some people watch their fat intake, some watch there carbohydrates, some watch there calories, some just eat meat, some take diet pills, some only consume fluid some count points.  Being overweight I have tried and experimented with a lot of diets.  I can tell you this it all has to do with some kind of restriction.  I personally am a calorie counter.  I have read almost everything from doctors, scientists, and trainers I can get my hands on.  As well as the current diet fads.  Yes I have even tried the sprinkling.  Now I know the average person would not look at me and say you are a expert in dieting.  I do feel that I am quite knowledgeable and have some very good tips to offer people.  May I remind you I once before lost 150 pounds.  That was quite a while ago, non the less I did do it and since I have learned so much more.  I really do as I said in the past on my blogs think I could teach a class.  Someone may say then why are you not thin?  I do not or have not always put into practice what I know.  Let's just say it is more fun to eat.  I do think now however I really have to change this pattern that I had followed for so long.  For the last few months I have been given quite a bit of advice from people who have never had a weight problem or have never really had to watch what they eat.  From the reading I have done it all comes down to simple math.  A resting body tends to need 10 calories per pound to stay about the same weight.  I am currently letting myself have 1800 calories a day.  I had a friend question if that is to many calories to lose weight.  The answer is no.  A woman my age and height should have approximately 2000 calories per day.  This is if she leads a fairly moderate life and at least gets off the couch and does some things.  I will make the figuring easy if someone is 300 pounds they can have 3000 calories a day and not gain weight.  Say for instance you are at 300 pounds and you do go to 1800 calories a day then every 3500 calories extra you save during the week will result in a one pound loss.  If you actually look at things in the long run things that are lower in calories are generally lower in fat etc....  So counting points, calories, carbohydrates, fat and so on will generally come out to be very close.  Add moderate exercise to the mix of things and you will most likely loose a little more.  Now in the case of women there is sometimes as we all know water retention.  So keep that in mind.  That is why the experts will tell you not to weigh yourself more than once a week.  Also keep in mind that you should be weighing in at the same time and consuming a similar meal before weighing in.  Also take into consideration on if you have gone to the toilet.  Take your shoes off because your shoes as well as jewelry can affect the weigh in.  That said I hope this information will indeed help someone out there. I would like to add that some diet drugs have caffeine in them.  Too much caffeine is very bad for the heart.  So just watch your intake.  All things are possible. xo

I have for the most part been very positive and upbeat in my blogs.  Today I am going to discuss things that have been going on that are not positive.  I have a eating disorder!  I know this.  I have been receiving council for my disorder and why it is that I do what I do.  In the past I have discussed with you that I have always had this problem since I was a very small child.  I will reiterate that at five years old I weighed 150 pounds.  I can not blame anyone for my actions as a adult, but I feel that I had a very poor guide to healthy eating when I was growing up.  Don't get me wrong I am not the person who faults their parents for every little thing.  I just think in some ways they did not know as much then as they do now.  I can remember being only 7 years old or so when I first had an experience with diet.  I not only have found that my council is helping, but I also found a group called OA.  For those unfamiliar with this it stands for Over Eaters Anonymous.  While this title may sound a bit funny, it is based on the same principle of AA.  Just like any other addiction when I fall of the wagon it is hard for me to get back on.  I think that some people only associate eating disorders with anorexia, and bolemia.  This is not so, and I feel just recently the press has brought this more out in the open.  I realize that I am not alone.  Nor unfortunately will I ever be when it come to this addiction.  Over the last week I have fallen off the wagon.  I have not done any major overeating yet I still have eaten trigger foods and gone over my caloric intake.  I have also slacked a bit in the exercise department.  It is so easy to become lax.  I am so fortunate to have all of you out there that are backing me up in this journey.  Originally this journey was going to be for six months for the contest.  I will not be anywhere near my goals by the end of the six months, so I hope to continue to blog and have my friends and family's total support.  I have had a couple negative things happen to me in the last couple of weeks also.  One I was out walking and some young people decided it would be fun to yell out there car window and taunt me.  I understand that I need to go on and forget it, it is easier said than done.  All of those old feeling come up from the past.  In one sense I get mad and think okay more motivation for me to lose the weight.  On the other hand though I am feeling like I want to go binge to help relax me.  Food is a comfort, it can be your friend when you are alone.  I have found myself this week starting to hide my eating from others.  This to is part of the cycle of addiction.  I must be up front and able to eat in front of others without the fear of judgment.  I also have to be true to myself and realize I am only hurting myself by these private eating sessions.  Another thing that happened this week is a friend from out of state wanted for me to send a picture of myself to him so that he could see how I am coming along.  I have lost approximately 32 pounds.   While this is only a drop in the bucket in comparison to what I have to lose it is a start in the right direction.  His reply to me was have you even lost anything Cynthia?  It doesn't look like you have at all.  I was very hurt by this as I have tried very hard over the last few months to improve my overall lifestyle.  I expect friends to be honest I am not asking them not to be, but when you are morbidly obese 32 pounds is not going to look like a whole lot.  My heart doctor was thrilled.  These small steps are what I need to focus on.  I know what works best for me.  Yes I have to be hard on myself.  If I am not I will not achieve my goals.  All things are possible. xo

I am not sure quite why, but some weeks are just harder than others.  Yesterday I was at the store and feeling a bit down about myself, and I saw a very good looking man.  Mind you I am in my walking attire.  I almost ran right into him.  I was so mortified that I could hardly stand it.  Sometimes when I am not doing that well I can feel the looks even more than usual.  I try to be a very optimistic person.  This week has been a bit trying on my optimism.  Going out to a lot of restaurants is not helping my weight at all.  We had mothers day, a friends birthday, a person who just wanted to go out to lunch.  I can never be exactly sure what the added ingredients are.  So this week I am planning on trying not to go out to eat.  Everything this week is going to focus on being fresh.  I need to concentrate also on being positive.  I know if you are negative it tends to be self fulfilling.  All things are possible:) xo