I have for the most part been very positive and upbeat in my blogs.  Today I am going to discuss things that have been going on that are not positive.  I have a eating disorder!  I know this.  I have been receiving council for my disorder and why it is that I do what I do.  In the past I have discussed with you that I have always had this problem since I was a very small child.  I will reiterate that at five years old I weighed 150 pounds.  I can not blame anyone for my actions as a adult, but I feel that I had a very poor guide to healthy eating when I was growing up.  Don't get me wrong I am not the person who faults their parents for every little thing.  I just think in some ways they did not know as much then as they do now.  I can remember being only 7 years old or so when I first had an experience with diet.  I not only have found that my council is helping, but I also found a group called OA.  For those unfamiliar with this it stands for Over Eaters Anonymous.  While this title may sound a bit funny, it is based on the same principle of AA.  Just like any other addiction when I fall of the wagon it is hard for me to get back on.  I think that some people only associate eating disorders with anorexia, and bolemia.  This is not so, and I feel just recently the press has brought this more out in the open.  I realize that I am not alone.  Nor unfortunately will I ever be when it come to this addiction.  Over the last week I have fallen off the wagon.  I have not done any major overeating yet I still have eaten trigger foods and gone over my caloric intake.  I have also slacked a bit in the exercise department.  It is so easy to become lax.  I am so fortunate to have all of you out there that are backing me up in this journey.  Originally this journey was going to be for six months for the contest.  I will not be anywhere near my goals by the end of the six months, so I hope to continue to blog and have my friends and family's total support.  I have had a couple negative things happen to me in the last couple of weeks also.  One I was out walking and some young people decided it would be fun to yell out there car window and taunt me.  I understand that I need to go on and forget it, it is easier said than done.  All of those old feeling come up from the past.  In one sense I get mad and think okay more motivation for me to lose the weight.  On the other hand though I am feeling like I want to go binge to help relax me.  Food is a comfort, it can be your friend when you are alone.  I have found myself this week starting to hide my eating from others.  This to is part of the cycle of addiction.  I must be up front and able to eat in front of others without the fear of judgment.  I also have to be true to myself and realize I am only hurting myself by these private eating sessions.  Another thing that happened this week is a friend from out of state wanted for me to send a picture of myself to him so that he could see how I am coming along.  I have lost approximately 32 pounds.   While this is only a drop in the bucket in comparison to what I have to lose it is a start in the right direction.  His reply to me was have you even lost anything Cynthia?  It doesn't look like you have at all.  I was very hurt by this as I have tried very hard over the last few months to improve my overall lifestyle.  I expect friends to be honest I am not asking them not to be, but when you are morbidly obese 32 pounds is not going to look like a whole lot.  My heart doctor was thrilled.  These small steps are what I need to focus on.  I know what works best for me.  Yes I have to be hard on myself.  If I am not I will not achieve my goals.  All things are possible. xo